Monday, November 06, 2006

being good to the muse(and me)

I've been reading a lot of different blogs for a while and I see a theme running through a some of them. Pledging to not buying fabric. It is spoken of as if it's a the road to enlightenment and goodness. It's a funny thing because it reminds me of my good friend Terry- she's another of the quilt ladies I know and a very hard working very talented person. Funny thing about Terry is that she seems to feel that she doesn't deserve to be happy. I'm not sure what happened back in the days of her childhood but I suspect that someone repeatedly told her that she was an unworthy child-unworthy of praise, nurturing, warmth, whatever. It makes me mad and sad and we have a close enough relationship that I'm happy to tell her how talented she is and that she is, indeed ,deserving of praise.Plus I can relate to the whole abuse thing. Now don't go writing me any nasty comments but I have long suspected that it has something to do with her Catholic upbringing. Even she says that. My husband, who was raised Catholic says that too. I think it had a lot to do with Sister Mary Margaret slapping her with a ruler every time she looked happy or proud.
ANYWAY...I digress. The thing about Terry that relates to the reading of some of these blogs is that I sense a theme of self deprivation when it comes to buying fabric and fun stuff. There was a whole month where people actually signed up...signed up to NOT buy fabric. Lordy, Lordy Let me grab a glass of water and fan myself for a minute on my fainting couch............O.K., better. This is how I see that. Quilting is my art, my love, my talent. Quilting is where I challenge myself to make something really pretty and pleasing to myself and hopefully, others. Why in the name of sweet Jesus would I want to rob myself of the pleasure of buying something to further that joy. I can find a dozen different ways to prove myself a strong person with moral fiber in other areas of my life-why would denying myself fabric prove anything. Maybe it's a catholic thing? Maybe we need to self flagellate somehow to feel better about ourselves? Buying fabric and quilting stuff makes me really happy. I've suffered enough in my life and at nearly 60, I'm no longer sure how much fabric buying time I have. Besides what will my friends have to fight over when I'm gone but my fabric. Lotta bitch slappin' going on there.
Well, todays entry will be short, at least for now-maybe I'll write more later. There's a video store around the corner that has been driven out of business by Blockbuster and is selling out all the stock for rock bottom prices. I'm going to take a look to see what foreign movies and other dvds they have left. Maybe I'll find a few good oldies too, not a lot of people are old movie buffs. I need to go grocery shopping too. Making fish tacos if I don't forget my list-need limes and avocado and mini corn tortillas. Maybe after that I'll get totally crazy and hit the fabric store. Maybe I'll buy something. Maybe not....whatever I choose to do, it won't be because I'm "saving myself" for fabric.......Hope you have a beautiful day


Rian said...

Hi Dee, I thought I'd come introduce myself since we shared Debra's pocket at IQF.

Your post about Terry was thought-provoking. Maybe Terry has suffered so many disappointments that she's always waiting for the other shoe to drop--if she lets herself be happy, something bad will happen. It's a sad way to be. Or maybe she's a Capricorn.

I have a sister like that. She's all about self-deprivation and I don't think she's ever known joy. We lived in the same average house (no abuse) and went to the same average public school, but she missed out on the happy genes. I got her share and mine. Lucky me.

dee said...

thanks for the comment, Rian,
Terry is not Capricorn-she's a Gemini like me, can you believe it?? She is a wonderful woman and does many wonderful things for people but never for herself-I actually think it may be a little bit of a martyr thing going on. I love her dearly but it does wear on one and makes me feel inadequate and selfish sometimes.

Rian said...

I was down here looking for the post about the buried quilt and saw this response to me.

I know what you mean. My martyr sister was here this weekend and it killed me to watch her be doormat all the time and have those kids take advantage of her. They have all her buttons figured out. It was hard not to tell her how she should live her life. She really has her hands full. I have to constantly remind myself that she is the architect of her own world.

julieQ said...

Amen sister! I know this is an ancient post of yours, but I am reading your entire blog and this one just struck me as a must to answer. I am not a stash buster, although I make every effort to use my scraps up...but this quilting thing is what I do! My I will do it! Agree to the reference about Catholic upbringing as well. Those nuns can be brutal!