Wednesday, December 07, 2011

new day

I wrote the last entry in an effort to get what is probably known as closure- it's time to try to move along. Thanks to my dear friends who have virtually held my hand and cried with me.
Time to stop crying and get busy living.

Hey! It's almost Christmas!!
I've decided that I need a little of that.

For the past few days I have been trying to shake off the remnants of the flu. All I can say about the flu is WOW. Didn't know the body could do that. Not pretty at all. When the sight of food on the Food Network makes you nauseated you know it's bad.

Before the on-set of the flu last week we had a visit from the Architect who will be drawing up the design for our house construction. It was exciting and a lot of fun to watch James & Dani talking about their wishes and desires for their home. BIL Bob put in his needs and wants-new bathroom suite and bedroom re-design in the old wing of the house to include a sitting room/office area. The decision to totally destroy the killer staircase in the old house. My Late FIL Jim built that part of the house and as much as I loved him...he had no instinct for design. He was an engineer in aerospace development. Aesthetics...not so much. Never has there been such a steep, narrow dark staircase. Still, his good original bones of a house will be a good base.
All of the things that need attention in my world are cosmetic. New floors and appliances-full paint job, new oven and vent hood and after the financial dust settles, a slightly larger kitchen and desk/computer area. That can wait till we see how far our shekels will take us.
Right now, the most important part is to get the kids into a house and out of their shockingly expensive, massively overpriced apartment. In order to accomplish that we need to make Bob a nice new space. He is of the opinion that he does not want to negotiate stairs anymore so his suite will be on the lower level and privately accessible. Since Bob loves to sit on the porch we will build him a new one. The one he has now sits where the new part of Dani & James house will be. I'm waiting, not too patiently, to see what the architect has in mind.
Today is Lucy day..woohoo. That will keep me busy.
Also in breaking news-two beautiful babies were born in the last two weeks. A nephew for me and a baby girl for my hair dresser Diane. The quilt made from Whimsy fabric has finally gone to it's new home.

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

The Year

Ordinary days winding along in familiarity
Do the dishes
Clean the kitchen, load the dishwasher
The phone rings
In a moment life changes forever in all the worst ways possible.

Love suspended
Your life disappears before your eyes

The love of your life remains only in photos that tug at the heart
Silence is less than golden It is, in fact, frozen and icy
Everything you believed about your life ends with the electronic drone of a machine that counts breath and heartbeats.

You find yourself awash in space
Your bed is enormous, yet you only fill up half.
Half the pillows still can't muffle the cries "Can you still hear me?" "Please God, let him hear me?"
You think of all those guilty moments you had wished for more personal time. More of that illusive peace and quiet. Both are a blessing and a curse.
You have two of so many things.
Cars, clothes, shoes, papers, magazines, the list goes on.

Friends watch you become someone else. Changed forever.
Things that seemed so important all pale.
All of the issues of so-called importance lay at your feet in printed words that neither move or excite the passion they once stirred.
For now nothing matters
Nothing really brings smiles but once in a while the sudden loud outburst of laughter at some TV dialog makes the room ring reminding you of how very empty a space it is. You are guilty of surviving.

People remind you about time healing things.
All it reminds you of is that nothing will ever be the same.
No warm embrace
Big arms will not warm this frozen heart again
Tears may stop
Time will pass
Memories will fade until the sharp intake of breath comes at remembering those private, funny, gentle hours.
No one will ever look at you like that again.
The absence of this love is forever

Drag yourself through the year from one event to the next
Grateful for the remaining family diversions and distractions.
At the end of it, you must find a way out of this fog
Hold on to what is left
Remember what is lost
Pray for inspiration that lasts more than an hour at a time
Try to save the day for yourself
Make a new life

Live on