Tuesday, December 06, 2011

The Year

Ordinary days winding along in familiarity
Do the dishes
Clean the kitchen, load the dishwasher
The phone rings
In a moment life changes forever in all the worst ways possible.

Love suspended
Your life disappears before your eyes

The love of your life remains only in photos that tug at the heart
Silence is less than golden It is, in fact, frozen and icy
Everything you believed about your life ends with the electronic drone of a machine that counts breath and heartbeats.

You find yourself awash in space
Your bed is enormous, yet you only fill up half.
Half the pillows still can't muffle the cries "Can you still hear me?" "Please God, let him hear me?"
You think of all those guilty moments you had wished for more personal time. More of that illusive peace and quiet. Both are a blessing and a curse.
You have two of so many things.
Cars, clothes, shoes, papers, magazines, the list goes on.

Friends watch you become someone else. Changed forever.
Things that seemed so important all pale.
All of the issues of so-called importance lay at your feet in printed words that neither move or excite the passion they once stirred.
For now nothing matters
Nothing really brings smiles but once in a while the sudden loud outburst of laughter at some TV dialog makes the room ring reminding you of how very empty a space it is. You are guilty of surviving.

People remind you about time healing things.
All it reminds you of is that nothing will ever be the same.
No warm embrace
Big arms will not warm this frozen heart again
Tears may stop
Time will pass
Memories will fade until the sharp intake of breath comes at remembering those private, funny, gentle hours.
No one will ever look at you like that again.
The absence of this love is forever

Drag yourself through the year from one event to the next
Grateful for the remaining family diversions and distractions.
At the end of it, you must find a way out of this fog
Hold on to what is left
Remember what is lost
Pray for inspiration that lasts more than an hour at a time
Try to save the day for yourself
Make a new life

Live on


Debra Spincic said...

You are terribly sad & I am terribly sad with you. I'm not sure what to say. Peace and comfort.

Christine Thresh said...

I know. I know.

Libby said...

Keep those good memories in your heart, wherever you go. They are with you always ((((hugs)))

Kay said...

I'm sad for you too, Dee. I wish words could send comfort.

Gerrie said...

I don't know what to say, dear friend. I am sorry that you are still grieving. I want to cry with you. You have made me realize how blessed I am to have my life partner - thank you for that. Sending some hugs.