Thursday, February 17, 2011


The lack of posts coming from me are due to a couple of things. One of them is a rare few days in February. It's 61 degrees today. Wow is that a welcome thing. The heat's off and the windows are open for a little while. Out with the winter mustiness and in with the fresh air. I know this is just a small blip in the winter weather that is still to come but boy am I going to breathe it in. It's yummy!
I have all but finished giving away Roger's clothes to various clothing drives and while there are still some items like jackets and suits and shoes, for the most part, that's a done deal. There's another clothing drive on the 22nd. It's a tough job but it has a freeing effect to it in that I have a whole chest of drawers that I can spread out my stuff into. Not the way I wanted to have more room but there it is..
BIL Bob is away on his cruise to Cozumel and hopefully enjoying himself. I'm doing a lot better being alone than I thought I would. In all honesty, my friends and family are filling in really well. Dinner with the newlyweds and Lucy, Tonight, shopping and dinner with Terry. Movies and dinner Saturday with the newlyweds and Monday next week dinner with my good friend Jeri. I may never cook again!!
In the meantime, I am taking the opportunity to do a little spring cleaning and read my Kindle. I have several books loaded on and am currently reading one by a favorite writer of mine. It's "My Reading Life" by Pat Conroy. It's a good read by a wonderful writer. Sort of a literary autobiography of his life. I have "A Widows Story" by Joyce Carol Oates that I have scanned the first pages of and it looks good but since I'm in a tenuous place right this minute, I'll save that for another day. It may be a little too real right this moment. Some of the days are good but some of the nights are not so good. There are moments I now refer to as DUH moments. Things that are real but haven't hit your brain in a permanent way.... until they do. Things that make you shake your head and wonder if your losing your mind. Things like looking at pictures of Roger smiling and knowing that you will never see that face in person again or hear that laugh. The scent of a sweater or that pillow that you can't part with-things that just make your heart ache. Right after Roger died the answering machine had a glitsch and the message was lost. I thought I would go crazy at the loss of his voice on that silly message. Sometimes I wonder if we're better off not loving. It has to be less painful than this is...sometimes...but then I see that picture of him in Alaska holding that enormous salmon with the biggest smile on his face and I realize how blessed I was to have had it for the time I did.
Anyway, back to the cleaning and a shower before Terry picks me up. She really makes me laugh so much that it's just what I need right now.
Talk to you soon.


Gerrie said...

Now, you have me in tears again. This is all part of the grieving, don't you think? My sis just spent some time in Florida with friends. I think it was good for her to get away for a bit, but she is back home today, and I think it will hit her again.

I wish I could have you over for dinner!!

Janet said...

Sixty one degrees in February! That must be such a welcome change for you. Enjoy it while you can.

Many times I think we take all those little moments for granted until it's too late....smiles, the wonderful smell of that someone special, the sound of their voice....thanks for reminding me to pay attention. Maybe your loss will help others.

Libby said...

Isn't the weather glorious? Daisy and I walked and walked today just drinking it all in.
I know just what you mean about scents - as we approach the 20 year mark, I still cannot use Revlon lipstick. It smells like my mom and makes me cry. I keep the tube she had in her purse and pull it out for a little *whiff* from time to time.

Joanne S said...

Such a GOOD post, Dee!!! It made my heart happy to know things were better. And isn't it wonderful when we can open windows on that very first warmish day in winter? That fresh air in the house is so invigorating.

That hasn't happened as yet here in Maine. I think it was near 45 on one or two days but with the new furnace still in "test" mode, I didn't want to start opening windows. Riley and I have had a nice "warm" walk or two and I did get some ice chunked up off the driveway. More today.

G is getting better every day but it's slow and he wants fast.

Michele Bilyeu said...

Bless you for your honesty, Dee. This is the depths of the pain our hearts can feel...loss of a beloved. We almost have to cry all our cries and rants all our ravings to get all of the crazies out. It shows us not only how human we truly are, but how deeply we loved...sometimes not even us recognizing the depths at the time.

Keep open, keep sharing. You help us and it helps you get it out. We are all in this world of experiences, some good, some so awful. But we hear you and we feel you. And we send you hugs and blessings across the miles. Your heartstrings to Roger are still connected. The knots are in place. Talk to him, keep a journal, draw and sew your pain as well as your joys.

Debra Spincic said...

I would think when all the snow and ice melted that you would need a boat to get around town.

Nothing wrong with pulling out the pictures and having them framed so you can visit every day. I like pictures in stategic places around my house--places where I like to glance. It's a warm reminder that I am loved and that I have loved.

Rian said...

You sound good. Your spirit always amazes me. You are an inspiration. I'm glad you have friends and family that embrace you. So many people are truly alone. You reminded me of when my friend Rixey died and her husband kept the greeting on the message machine. I used to call it up just to hear her voice. My hunch is he did too.

AnnieO said...

Sad for your sadness! My FIL died suddenly and my MIL said it was nights that were always the worst. That, and wanting to tell her DH something. She found a bereavement group to be very helpful as she didn't have friends and family nearby. Glad you are having lots of time with your friends and family.

Christine Thresh said...

I am a few months ahead of you on the same journey. My husband of 46 years died in May.
I gave away his clothes and cleared out our closet, but I kept his purple shirt. He looked so good in that cheerful shirt. I kept his T-shirts because they make wonderful sleeping garments in the warmer months.
Best wishes to you.

Barbara C said...

In spite of the highs and lows, it sounds like you're doing very well. This must be a rocky journey, but you continue to amaze me with your strength and insight.

Enjoy the breaks in the weather and in your sadness. It's all for the good.