Thursday, November 04, 2010

little update

I closed the comments for the time being. At this point I feel as though you have all sent me a warm embrace with all your beautiful comments and to ask for more time and time again seems like to much. I feel the good vibes and am thankful for the prayers. Please don't stop the prayers.

For now, I will just keep this as a journal of some of the things that are happening. I'm hoping that it will give you an update and let you know what's up. It will also give me an outlet for some of my emotions.

What's up this week has been in some ways a positive thing. Of course, the way things have been going with Roger, positive is a relative term. Last week was a very bad week. There was too much Atavan building up in Roger's system and for many days he just wouldn't wake up. Since he was still intubated he couldn't talk even if he had been awake but not to have him open his eyes at all was very hard. Fluid was building up in his system and he was, once again, massively swollen. The kidneys weren't working and it became a serious problem. Dialysis was needed and done. Some improvement but not enough. They speak to me in hushed tones and hold my hand like a child. Maybe that's because I feel small and ineffectual and am projecting that most of the time. By weeks end the tubes needed to come out of Roger's throat to ward off infection so on Saturday, they did a tracheostomy. After that he began to come around and his eyes opened now and then. He had grown quite the beard with all the hardware all over his face so they offered to have a woman who does such things for the patients shave Roger. He looks like himself again...well sort of. Each day he was a little more awake and trying to communicate. Unfortunately, some of his communications are not so good. He has two good friends from grade school that wanted to come and see him. Every time I mentioned it he would become very agitated and then his tubes would need clearing and he would be nearly choking. The nurses said that it is often the case with people like Roger that they just don't want people to see them like this. Whatever his reasoning, I must abide with it for now. Getting into a major state of agitation is not helpful to him and perhaps when he is better things will change. He even waved off his Brother Bob and more or less told him to go away. Of course he's not going to do that but it was sad nevertheless.

Today I went in this morning and spent some time with him. A surgeon came in to let me know that they needed my signature for the procedure on Monday. He will have a new line put in for dialysis and another pic line for meds. The prognosis for Roger is not great and it depends on who I speak with to what degree I worry. I'm trying very hard to be patient and keeping in mind that it took a long time to get him well enough for rehab before. When Roger asked me where he was today and I told him, I also mentioned that it was November and a kind of frosty damp Thursday outside, he closed his eyes and a tear fell down his face. August seems so far away.

That's where it stands today. I'm beginning to believe that there is hell right here on earth and we are in it.

In brighter news...

James and Dani are coming home from St. Thomas and their honeymoon today. They sent me a couple of pictures. I'm so glad they could get away and enjoy this time with each other. They hit it lucky with their reservation. When they arrived, they were shown to the wrong room and so they talked to the woman in charge and had a nice conversation about their wedding and all that has gone wrong for the family in these last months. They were put into a suite with a huge balcony overlooking a gorgeous bay. People really can be generous and kind. The Concierge has sent hem to several places where they didn't have to spend too much but got great meals.

I can't begin to tell you how much I have missed them. Living without my best friend is hard enough but without them it seems empty and way too quiet.

Give your loved ones an extra hug. Lately all I can think of is all of the things that I didn't do and say when I had the chance. I'm trying to remember that last good day and I can't. Did I kiss him goodbye or did we just wave at each other like sometimes...can't remember. I can remember that he had a few days off and we did some of the things we liked to do together