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I turned on the comments again due to the many e-mails I got from the best people in the world...you.
When I think about writing lately it always seems to be so needy sounding. Comes off sounding like I need a lot of cheese with all that whine. I'm not used to being the one who needs. I've always been the one who is strong. Some of the best relationships I have are with people who have needed a lot of support and comfort recently. I guess this turns out to be the time when my problems are becoming seemingly insurmountable. Anyway, Thanks Ladies for the messages and several eye opening e-mails that slapped me upside the head. Left o my own devices, I am the ostrich with my head firmly planted in the sand. Your thoughtful messages pulled me out.
This morning I went to see Roger and there was a sign on the door that said he has an infection and gloves and a gown must be worn. If that doesn't get your mind going in the morning nothing will. One less way for us to communicate...one more thing to worry about. Now I can't even touch his forehead and hold his hand except through plastic....sigh.
In order not to lose what few brain cells I am managing to hold on to I decided it was time to get out the sewing machine and some fabric. I put it all on the kitchen table yesterday and there it sits. I keep walking past the stuff not doing anything with it. Last night I thought about this for a long time. I think that I am avoiding anything that makes me feel good because I feel guilty having enjoyment. Wrap your head around that one. Before all this stuff started happening, I thought I was a fairly normal woman with reasonable thoughts running through my head. Now I am in a daily state of panic due to the many unknowns we are facing. I thought for sure that by the time I was this age I wouldn't have so much to worry about. In the last 3 months most of the things I used to know the answer to have become questions with no clear answer. Having been through hell once in my earlier life should have prepared me for it happening again. It hasn't and I'm in a position where I may find myself without options I thought I had.
I'm going from this to the sewing machine and do something simple. I'll try not to enjoy it!
12 comments:
Dear Dee, I really can't think of anything to say other than I am thinking of you and holiding you hand. And sending you white light.
Dee- You say that you thought that you were a normal woman before all this happened.
Believe me when I say to you that your reactions are totally normal now.
Panic and guilt are what most feeling people experience when they remove their heads from the sand.
You will get through this. Even though it might not seem to be the case right this minute, you are a strong woman.
Enjoy your sewing! You deserve it...
Good for you, Dee. You keep trying no matter what it is you are trying and enjoying or not;) You have to keep the 'monkey mind' in your head busy and when we work with our hands, we are also doing the work of our hearts. Remember, your heartstrings are still connected..to Roger and to everyone you and he loves. You are not stopping any of that..not now, and not ever...not for one eensy, tiny, little nanosecond! Hands, heart, and heartstrings, Dee! From all of us, to all of you xxxxxooooo
Grace under pressure--that's you. Hang on!
Enduring the terrible pain of the illness of a husband has to be the hardest thing I have ever done. One of the things that helped me was sitting at my machine with a box of light colored squares and a box of dark colored squares and just chain sewing them together into blocks. No decisions needed - light, dark, light, dark, light...
I mostly did ten inch blocks (using 2.5" or 1.5" squares) and eventually sewed them together into charity quilts. I did have to use sashing because sometimes accuracy went by the wayside. But the doing saved my sanity. Don't get up tight about it - it is, like Michele says, the "monkey mind" you are entertaining.
Know that you are in my thoughts daily. Your last post brought be to tears again. I have dual angst because my BIL is in the final stages of leukemia. They are meeting with hospice today.
It seems wrong for me to have such a happy life when those I care about are suffering. You are such a light in my life and your attitude and sense of humor continues to be.
Hangeth in.
One day at a time, one step at a time. You will get through this and we will be there for you.
I don't know what can be said to ease the pain you are feeling. I suppose some pray for numbness, but reality will still be there waiting. I will add you and DH to my prayers list and ask that Gods hand grants you peace of mind in this time of trouble.
If you can do some mindless sewing, all the better. Sometimes it seems keeping our hands busy lets our minds deal with what be thought about.
Keep the faith, keep the candle burning. Sending hugs, Finn
There's nothing I can say that will help....just remember I'm keeping you both in my thoughts each day and sending lots of positive vibes your way.
Well, let's see . . . . when I was at a very low point in my life, I decided to use quilting as therapy. Some quilts became a 'voodoo doll' of sorts. I would watch the needle going up and down and up and down and think about it poking holes in some of my troubles. Give it a try *s* Sending lots of hugs!
I'm still with you Dahlink, sending you lots of OVE. Taking good care of yourself is an act of courage, and sharing your days with us is important for us all.
Ove to you and prayers in full force for Rog,
Mel
It is important for you to have some enjoyment so you can go to Roger with a mind refreshed and heart less burdened. A smile on your face and in your heart does much more for helping Roger than shared misery.
Can you take him books on audio or something to help his time be different?
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