Monday, April 28, 2008

Let's Ponder the Possibilities

Ponder what you say? If I only had a brain. Why ponder at all you may say? Because once, long ago in a place far, far, away people came to me to make decisions and I would tell them what to do and it was good They admired my ability to organize work problems...and they told me so. The thing I may not want to ponder too much is how long ago that was. I was walking on the treadmill watching a chapter of the Sopranos on A&E and waiting for my almost 24 year old son to return from a Doctors appointment(it's allergy season to the max-he needs an inhaler poor guy) when I got to thinking about life...pondering, as it were, why it is that I can't stick to a single thing, finish a single thing, or concentrate on one thing till completion or basically organize anything. If I were my previously organized self, I would have planned how many fat quarters I had and in fact planned a quilt. Funny thing is, if it's a gift, I can organize and finish. What's up with that?
I think it has a little to do with letting go, which is a recurring theme in my life but would be really stupid in this case. The possibility exists that it had something to do with lack of concentration and a return to child-like behavior(shut up back there). The problem was I didn't really have a childhood and maybe I'm looking for it now. Case in point-Those stars I've been making. They're fun and pretty fast and I would love to have a piece on the wall like that but instead I justify my fun by saying I'll give it as a gift. Somewhere in the straw that passes for brains I have convinced myself that it's ok to make someone a gift as long as the someone isn't me. I thought for a while that it was some hormonal side effect and it turns out that it's I fear being happy. That comes from childhood and serious major lies and disappointments. You would think at this age I could get a grip on that but most of the time I'm really afraid of happiness. Imagine me talking about happiness with my head down and in a whisper in case the gods hear me and shoot me a wake-up kick in the ass. Imagine someone telling a table full of people that they never had a car accident. I would have to clamp my hand over their mouth and make them say sorry out loud three times. That's just asking for a Karmic slap in the head. So along with being finishing challenged, I'm superstitious. Gad...color me hopeless.
Back to the stars- in making them I rounded up all the fat quarters I could find in the Closet of Shame and realized that over the course of the last year I have dramatically reduced the fat quarter stash to nearly nothing(again..settle down you) Not that I don't have any. There are many of them but not the ones in a packet from Keepsake. I used to save them for the illusive shrouded-in-fog someday. Now I find that I have used and given so many as gifts that there is not only a dent in the stash but a gaping hole where all my interesting fabric used to be. Horrors! I could have belonged to Judy Laquidara's stash busting group and I didn't even know it. I may try to alleviate this sad situation soon by visiting places on trips and re-stocking the stash while trying to avoid the family drama. The only thing there to ponder is how low I will hide my head in shame and whisper.. Yippee!
As an after thought I wanted to answer the comments about having a cook-it is the best and he's very good at it. He worked his way to a Masters Degree in Engineering in a delicatessen. His potato salad alone makes me swoon-not to mention him
Libby made a comment about having wanted pen pals as a kid. She's right. This reminds me of that very thing. It's very much like having pen pals and in so many places-blogging is very much fun.


Dorothy said...

Are you done? Why don't you deserve to be happy? You do! If you keep throwing love out into the world, some of it will return to you. You are doing yourself (and Karma, if you like) a serious disservice by refusing to accept the happiness that the universe is offering you. Don't be afraid to be happy, there are people in your life who are frustrated because you won't let them give back. Stop it. I'm serious. :o) 'kay?

Gerrie said...

Self-analysis - you are so good at it. I think your ability to understand yourself shows a very mature sense of self. So, now you need to give yourself permission to have fun, do nice things for yourself and for goodness sake - be happy. You are one of the most adorable people in my blog land.

PS: are the word verifications getting weirder or is it just me?

Rian said...

PTSD. You survived a lot of bad shit in your childhood. That's a big suitcase to schlep.

You will surely negate this as you read it, but YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY! Now go to the mirror and say those words to yourself.

Libby said...

There's no reason not to be happy - it took me a long time to figure that out . . .