Interlude

The lack of posts coming from me are due to a couple of things. One of them is a rare few days in February. It's 61 degrees today. Wow is that a welcome thing. The heat's off and the windows are open for a little while. Out with the winter mustiness and in with the fresh air. I know this is just a small blip in the winter weather that is still to come but boy am I going to breathe it in. It's yummy!

I have all but finished giving away Roger's clothes to various clothing drives and while there are still some items like jackets and suits and shoes, for the most part, that's a done deal. There's another clothing drive on the 22nd. It's a tough job but it has a freeing effect to it in that I have a whole chest of drawers that I can spread out my stuff into. Not the way I wanted to have more room but there it is..

BIL Bob is away on his cruise to Cozumel and hopefully enjoying himself. I'm doing a lot better being alone than I thought I would. In all honesty, my friends and family are filling in really well. Dinner with the newlyweds and Lucy, Tonight, shopping and dinner with Terry. Movies and dinner Saturday with the newlyweds and Monday next week dinner with my good friend Jeri. I may never cook again!!

In the meantime, I am taking the opportunity to do a little spring cleaning and read my Kindle. I have several books loaded on and am currently reading one by a favorite writer of mine. It's "My Reading Life" by Pat Conroy. It's a good read by a wonderful writer. Sort of a literary autobiography of his life. I have "A Widows Story" by Joyce Carol Oates that I have scanned the first pages of and it looks good but since I'm in a tenuous place right this minute, I'll save that for another day. It may be a little too real right this moment. Some of the days are good but some of the nights are not so good. There are moments I now refer to as DUH moments. Things that are real but haven't hit your brain in a permanent way.... until they do. Things that make you shake your head and wonder if your losing your mind. Things like looking at pictures of Roger smiling and knowing that you will never see that face in person again or hear that laugh. The scent of a sweater or that pillow that you can't part with-things that just make your heart ache. Right after Roger died the answering machine had a glitsch and the message was lost. I thought I would go crazy at the loss of his voice on that silly message. Sometimes I wonder if we're better off not loving. It has to be less painful than this is...sometimes...but then I see that picture of him in Alaska holding that enormous salmon with the biggest smile on his face and I realize how blessed I was to have had it for the time I did.

Anyway, back to the cleaning and a shower before Terry picks me up. She really makes me laugh so much that it's just what I need right now.

Talk to you soon.

Moving along

Thanks to all who commented regarding the little foo fah of yesterday. My skin may be a little thin just now but I seriously can't stand passive aggressive behavior. Particularly from someone who has not one clue who they're dismissing with that syrupy finger wagging.
Next!

Most of this ice is finally gone. That something so beautiful to look at can be so scary is a wonder of nature itself. Those icicles are killers. Bob left for two weeks in Florida and a cruise to Cozumel. Being here alone is a
learning experience. Surprisingly, I slept well last night. Of course there was no howling wind or storms so we'll see how that goes.


There's the basic layout for the crosses so far. Certainly can't say I'm rushing things. I have been catching up with various bloggy friends and they continue to amaze and delight. Get yourself a cuppa and go see this years photos from Jan at Bemused-Photos from the Tokyo Quilt show are, as always, just fantastic.

The kids came over with Lucy last evening and we got enchiladas and burritos from Aunt Chiladas. Not bad for take out. Those guys really know their stuff although I think that most of the guys there are from Guatemala. In fact, most of the cooks at our local restaurants are from there. Many of the families used to come to the Pantry to get help while they got on their feet. They have done well and have a lot to be proud of.

Tonight I am heading over to my Friend Pam's house with Terry for our sewing night. We haven't had one this year yet because of the weather. It'll be good to be out and great to be with friends. Speaking of friends...you could have knocked me down with a feather when I answered the phone last evening and it was a call from my good friend Debra Spincic. All they way from Texas. I really enjoyed our talk. She has the lovliest voice. Her Madonna pieces are really so wonderful they must be seen to be believed. Anyway, it was a realy pleasure to be able to have a real live conversation. Check out what she's up to. It's always fun and informative.
I'd better get going if I plan to be ready for later. Thanks again for all the support and friendship.

NY snark

Here's Lucy! Little miss is what keeps me smiling.

Here's what doesn't make me smile. A comment from someone who clearly doesn't know me at all and misinterprets my NY sarcasm for something other than what it is. I don't expect anyone who "knows" me from the blog to really "know me" but most of the friends I've made in bloglandia and in personal correspondence are good friends who have stood beside me in these past horrible months, genuinely wanting to do something to help. To anyone who thinks that I don't appreciate that every day I say...pft! You add the sound effects.

At heart, I am a comedian with a sharp, very dry, sense of humor. It has been a necessary companion these past months of Roger's terrible illness and death. If not for my sense of humor I would be in a ball in the fetal position in bed. To say that I don't appreciate my life or my place in this life is to not know me at all. I have resumed my job of 13 years at the Pantry where I am , among other jobs, a listener. I listen to women who have been abandoned by louses and left with children to feed and no marketable trade. Women with no means of supporting themselves or the medical and social needs of having two children with Autism. Men of many ages who have served our country only to have been forgotten and left to find their way while not fully being able to understand what has happened to them. Most cannot even look you in the face, so bleak is their pain and guilt. I am cosidering another offer as well for a job in one of the churches in the village. I will most likely take that job too in a month or so.

For anyone who thinks that I'm sitting in some ivory tower complaining about the lack of help from the little folk toiling in the fields let me set you straight. I spend my days doing for others as much as possible and now I am trying to make sense of my own life too. The loss of my husband of 37 years and friend for some 40 has been devastating and nearly unbearable to me. My chin is up though and not being one to bitch and moan, I go through the days with a smile on my face and think of how very fortunate I am that Roger was savvy enough to leave me comfortable and cared for in a number of ways. I have a wonderful, if creaky, old house that is mine all mine and don't owe anyone anything but taxes. For nearly 6 months I went to the hospital everyday and, until the end, believed that my dearest friend and the love of my life would come home again. We spent out time together, as short as it was, really in love with each other. Last week was our anniversary and I had intended to write a little about our life together. Roger gave me the first home I have ever known in all my life. He spent so much of his time planning things for us to do and ways to make me happy and to feel safe. If it were not for him, I doubt I would have survived the things that happened to me years ago. We took a long-time friendship and turned it into a love story that our friends still comment about. It was one of those "if not for this, then that would never have happened" things. He made it easy to fall in love because we were already in like for years. There's a lot to be said for a boat ride on the Sound on a May evening at sunset. I still get a little tug at my tummy when I think of that night. I wanted to spend the rest of my life trying to make him as happy as possible and tell him many times over how much he meant to me. When I think of how sick he was those last weeks it causes me actual physical reactions.

So, if someone thinks that my personality is defined by not appreciating the plight of those around me who have to make their way out in the storm when I get to sit here being crabby and annoyed at the plow guy and the state of my driveway, let me just say, "you have no idea who I am and , clearly, no appreciation for NY snark. To each his own but stay out of mine.

Sliding along with a side of worry.

Here are some 15 minute play blocks I made with American Jane scraps. I don't belong to the 15 min. play group but I guess I'm playing along anyway. The most work I did this week was on the crosses blocks which I uploaded but for some reason appear at the bottom of this entry. Go figure.

I am worried for my friend Joanne. She was so helpful and kind to me during Roger's illness and now she is facing serious problems of her own affecting her husband's health. I can't stop thinking about them and I'm too far away to do much of anything useful. Maine is a long way away. Think good thoughts for my friends if you are so inclined.

I have had a bit of a horrible week here. Last Friday would have been our 27th anniversary. Friday was the culmination of a really awful week. I could feel myself stating to lose it all during the week. I was finally done in by the snow and ice. As I've mentioned here (too often, sorry)-I live up here on a hill. A rather big hill in the best of weather. Throw in a little ice and, putting it mildly, we're screwed. The addition of 4-wheel drive does nothing in the face of a couple of inches of solid ice frozen over a fairly deep crust of slush. Couldn't find anyone to come and help and Bob had many important meetings and a company dinner thing during the week. He just closed his eyes and kept going over the ice which made it even slicker. James tried to come and help but his car actually got stuck sideways in the drive with the bumper over the Belgium Block. Then, while attempting to remove the inch-thick coating of ice on my Explorer, without my realizing it, the plastic end came off the scraper and the metal part scratched my windows and left a scratch in the hood of my pretty car. There was so much of this ice covering the already deep snow that it looked like the glaze on a donut outside. Ice EVERYWHERE! I never made it out of the house one day after last Monday until yesterday. I'm the last one to get hysterical about the weather and I usually don't even mind being snowed in but this last couple of weeks have really done me in. It just brought to light all the things that Roger and James used to do to make life function smoothly around here. Strangely enough, there are a number of people in town who do plowing but once that ice set and crusted and got driven over, nothing but chemicals and higher temps was going to move it. A good friend of ours worked for the Town for 35+ years and recently retired. He was the guy who plowed the roads around here. Naturally, after 35 years he could plow on a dime and was very good at his job. They have a new plow guy and I'm sure in time he will get the hang of it...that is if a mob carrying flaming torches doesn't get him first. All over town people are going crazy because he has done the worst job of plowing you could imagine. The road I live on is good and wide-wider than most around the village. He has turned it into a one and a half lane mess. I see the same thing all over. Around the Library is a pretty big mess as well. Oh Lord, this just seems to be the winter of our discontent...sorry Mr. Shakespeare.

Yesterday we went to the annual Super Bowl fiesta at Joe & Jeri's house. Lots of people came this year since the temps went up to 46 and it was a spectacular day. More please! Anyway, I just go for the goodies. One of the ladies makes cream puffs. Forget all the other food. I just wait for dessert and the cream puffs. Although I did have a glass or two of a nice red....Oh, and maybe a couple of snacky things...alright, maybe more than a couple....and some shrimp...and a smidge of pulled pork...yes, that's right, a smidgen. That is if a smidgen were a very large spoonful on a nice roll....urp!

I did manage to do some sewing and took the advice of Gypsy Quilter on framing the crosses. It does look nice-thanks a bunch for the idea. I've got about 12 blocks done. More pics to come. I've really strayed from the original concept of making a quilt that looks like the one V, of Bumble Beans made. That's still something I want to do because I covet that quilt so much.

BIL Bob is leaving for 2 weeks+ on a cruise so I'll be hanging around here getting used to life in a new way. I used to think it would be good to be the Queen. Not so much now. I'm having dinner with James & Dani & Lucy later this week and with other friends next weekend. I'll get used to it...eventually.

Stay warm..

Hibernation ...grumble

I believe that I have a full load in my pick-up now. No mas.....kay?

James came and plowed us out the other day and thought it would be funny to level off the pile of snow in my car. Plenty of traction now even without 4-wheel drive engaged.

I worked a little more on the crosses but I am unhappy with the fabric used to surround them. It's flimsy and not in a good way. I think I will find something nicer and start over. What the hell else do I have to do anyway. Well, I could spend the day staring at the ice dam in the roof over on Bob's side of the house. It's making a lovely pattern in the ceiling tile that looks a lot like the map of Texas. That is if Texas were growing into a much larger state. Seeing $$$$ there as well as having to re-paint his living room since some little trickles are finding a path down the wall on that corner of the house. I guess that's what happens in a house that was built in 1940. The problem is that it's not getting warm enough for the snow and ice to cascade off the roof and it's just lying there all heavy and wet. Old house=weak pressure points and seams. Like I said..$$$ ahead for Bob. Right now you can't even get a ladder up there to find out what's up since there are many layers of ice built up in front of that part of the house. We'll see how long it takes to get this job done. Since he is going to the Caribbean in a week something tells me that it will be a fine day in spring before we address this issue. Praise the Lord, my house is on the sunny side and nice and tight-also much newer.

The other picture up there is the view out my kitchen window looking at my neighbors across the way. All that land used to be an apple orchard. There are a couple of trees life but they are in sad shape. Up to the left is a huge manor house with an attached greenhouse that once belonged to a family that owned the orchard back to the 1700s. It then belonged to friends of ours for many years. He was an orthodontist by trade and a woodworking genius by nature. The whole house is lined with fabulous cherry bookcases and wonderful woodwork of all types. You would think you landed in England and were visiting the country squire for a little fox hunt. It now belongs to another orthodontist and while they use the greenhouse and have a fabulous vegetable garden across this view I am showing, they never did much to save the trees. I can remember the scent of apple blossoms that was so intoxicating in spring. Just opening the windows and inhaling made you sigh with pleasure. When the snow is gone, there are many raised beds for vegetables and flowers all across this piece of land now. I know they are a large Italian family but I can't imagine how they can use all of it in one season and I have met the Mrs., a very wealthy Italian woman in designer clothing and finely manicured hands who speaks little English even after 20 years here. Somehow I can't imagine her getting sweated up in the making of Sunday gravy. They have a staff for that I'm pretty sure-I see them out there keeping those beds perfectly manicured just like Mrs. T's hands. Nice folks though. I see them now and again walking their basset hound Alice. Alice will occasionally escape and wander over to our hillside and, not being the smartest kid in class, forget how to get home. Love old Alice.

Speaking of doggy wonders, Miss Lucy was taken to be spayed yesterday. We made a big fuss over her on Sunday knowing what an icky day Monday would be for her. She's home now and a little doped up but that's probably for the best since she needs to be careful of the sutures. Keeping Lucy quiet for 5 days is a challenge that my Daughter-in-law, Dani, will have to do this week. I can't really get out of here to go and help much with this ice and snow. Lucy is probably better off without an audience anyway.

Well, I guess I'll go back and look for some nicer fabric for the crosses. This is when I really appreciate having the stash. Stay warm and try to avoid the germs floating around. Something with alcohol will help with that!! Cocktails anyone?

Whimsy Flimsy + left overs

Are you sick of seeing this yet? Don't know what's up with the camera either but the picture quality is awful. Apologies.

Maybe it's as cranky as the rest of us. Another 15 inches of the white stuff fell since yesterday. Can I call a truce with the universe? I can't even get to my car to get in it and engage the 4-wheel drive. Very tiresome and my favorite plow guy is busy until tomorrow some time. I need to look elsewhere I guess.

Hope you are in a safe and temperate place. Back soon with more.

Whimsy Baby!

Since it's doing that thing with white stuff falling again...sigh...I just wanted to update you all and show the "Whimsy" fabric I found locally. I really didn't expect my local shop to have any of this stuff left. That's what I get for making stupid assumptions without fact checking. I got some yardage and another jelly roll and began making these fun blocks for a postage stamp look. This fabric is so pretty and the colors are very springy. That's very important right now because yesterday I awoke to 8 degrees. What the hell kind of temperature is 8?

In other news and possibly along the lines of a minor miracle, I got myself zipped into a pair of my jeans today. I know...who could have thought it? Not me since I have been the very picture of self medication through junk food lately. Combine that with being stuck up here on this icy hill and that should, by all rights, make for an even fluffier Dee. Maybe there is some universal kindness at work here that couldn't bear seeing me cry any more than I have been already. Seriously, I can breathe too...double sigh. The crud that attacked me last week is almost gone. Thank goodness. I was coughing so hard my sides hurt. Combine that with missing out on a visit from the kids and the ever adorable Lucy coming to dinner on Saturday and you have one grump Dee.

That was then and the "Whimsy" find has put a smile on my face now so all is as well as can be expected. I do need to get to the bank and out for a haircut soon. Actually a haircut and some color. My roots are taking over and not in a very pretty way. More like in a gray way...ugh.

OK peoples I'm going back to the machine and not coming up for air until I have nine of these big blocks for a baby quilt. After that it's back to the crosses I was making last week and a smaller version of the psotage stamp for me, me, me. That's my story. Hope you are all having a good week. Back soon.

The Crud....snort

Wish I had something better to show you. Even the quality of the photo is not very good. I came down with The Crud two days ago. My days have been filled with that hazy thing that happens when yo have to take codeine cough medicine. I keep walking past the crosses and just don't have the energy to think that much about them. Today I finally picked them up and put them aside for the day. Better luck tomorrow. I'm coughing so hard that my sides hurt and the sneezing and wheezing is getting even to me...yuck. Hot soup helps and hot tea. We got more snow today and now the temps are dropping to the single digits with a wild wind off the water. This winter really sucks. O.K. I have now evolved into a whining, weather detail giving, non-creative person. Going back to bed until I can, once again, be a productive human being.....wish me luck.

By the way, yesterday I got a letter from social security asking me to fill out a form for the one time death benefit for Roger which amounts to around $250. and I swear, my hand to God, it's 6...six pages long and wants to know everything about me back to who I dated in High School. Seriously, they want to know who I was married to before Roger and why we divorced. That was before 1980. I'm tempted to just file it in the round basket and forget it. Please don't get me wrong. I'm not so loaded that I can throw away money but seriously, you have to see some of these questions. How on earth is it that we hear so much about people scamming the government when they want my life story for $250. Unbelievable except when one remembers that they are dealing with the government. Then it all makes sense. They are buried under a mountain of paperwork and they hope you are too.

Stay warm people!

Thanks to Libby for the quiltshops.com idea and for the suggestions for fabric from Terri. I found some Whimsy. Bloggy friends are such a gift.

Poking my head up

Sorry for being gone so long. This new life takes getting used to. I think I've finally got most of the paperwork out of the way...whew.. you could paper a room with all that stuff. Not fun.

Last week I got out the sewing machine and started in on a couple of things I had in mind for a while. As I've mentioned before, I'm crazy about any of the American Jane fabric but the Breath of Avignon is a particular favorite. Anyway, I fell in love with my friend Victoria's red cross quilt when she showed it before Christmas. Every time I get a chance, I go back and look at it again. Maybe it's the crosses and my feelings of faith are more on the surface right now, but I am really drawn to the images and her use of color is fantastic. When I see this quilt it just POW...smacks you in the face with it's stark beauty. She did a fantastic job of quilting it herself as well. The woman is so talented it makes my hair hurt. Go to her blog to see a new tutorial for innovative flying geese.....go on.....hurry up. You won't be sorry.

Soooooooo, my thought was to dig into my beloved Breath of Avignon jelly roll and turn out a whole lot of crosses. I'm not positive but I think I will keep this to a large wall hanging size. Victoria makes king sized quilts but she lives in a loft in NY city with room for that kind of work. While my house is big, it doesn't have that kind of floor space to accommodate a king size piece. Old house-small rooms. Someday I hope to take down several walls but that's another story for another day.

The other thing I'm working on is a baby quilt for a friend who is a first-time Mom. Lord knows when I'll get that done though since I can't find any more of that "Whimsy" fabric line by Joanna Figueroa. If anyone knows where I can find it let me know. I tried Fat Quarter Club and Hancock's and Jelly Rolls 2 go. Found more Breath of Avignon but none of the other line.

My son and DIL have been coming over often to have meals with me and it's very welcome. My DIL, Dani, has pretty much decided to return to school for her masters to become a CPA. She has put out so many applications it's ridiculous and they might as well bite the bullet and get her a degree she can work with. It's so difficult right now. The cost of living for a young couple is crazy around here. I will try to help them in any way I can. The thought of them moving away is to awful to contemplate. Besides, I need my grand-pup nearby. Life without Lucy would be very gray indeed. There has been some talk of adding an apartment onto this house to make a place for them. We all love the idea. It will just take time to work out details...Oh, and did I mention $$. Roger and I did that to live here and there's plenty of room for another addition.

I'll try to update more often. Some days, I find it very hard to be cheery and, in fact, to keep getting up at all. Time, and a little warm weather will do wonders. This awful winter has got us all down. We have been so spoiled by the past few years of little snow and ice. Where's some of that global warming I hear so much about?

Back soon.

Touch of Spring

Going through old photos I am reminded of how wonderful, and patient, Roger was at taking photos of flowers. These are blueberry flowers on his infamous 3-blueberry bush. Ironically, this past summer, the bush produced about 20 actual blueberries. He would have loved that. I'm showing these because I can't find the damn charger for the camera and I wanted to show what is going on but I can't yet. Oh how I miss my photography staff. The holiday just didn't happen for me this year. I found myself having a really hard time keeping it together beginning a few days before. The answer for me was to totally ignore the date. Family and friends made it a little easier. Bob got me a Kindle for Christmas and a lighted case to hold it. The kids got me a gift card and I got another from Dani's family so I had my crack computer wiz(James)set it up with a wireless connection and I downloaded a couple of books. Nothing outstanding but enough to hold my interest for the evening. I read the entire first book the evening of the holiday that will go nameless. It worked out fine. Bob had too much partying and fell asleep early. He slept till nearly noon the following morning. It's end of year at his business and he's been working 15-17 hour days for 2 weeks. It finally caught up with him.

The following day of the holiday that will not be mentioned, I cooked a turkey dinner for the kids and we had a great bottle of champagne to make mimosas with. Boy did that taste good. As I mentioned to another friend, nothing was the same but it was alright and that's the best I an hope for right now. Of course having Miss Lucy around gave us all a laugh as well as watching "Despicable Me". Just what I needed. A few good laughs. I can highly recommend it to chase the blues.

We are having a small taste of spring for a few days now. The temps were around 50-52 the last few days. I'll take however many of those I can get until the inevitable February ick sets in. The snow has nearly all melted which is very nice too.

I took out the sewing machine and worked up a few 16-patches in Breath of Avignon in a Honey Bun, which is 1 1/2 inch strips of the line. The bright Provencal colors are so pretty and of course I love any fabric by Sandy Klop. Her American Jane line is one of my very favorites. As soon as I can locate the charger I will show you what little I accomplished. It's been so long since I did any work that my skills need sharpening...a lot.

I'm making the leftover turkey into a dish I saw on Judy's blog. It's a Chicken tetrazzini but she makes it with turkey too. I've got a lot of left over turkey to use up and it makes for good comfort food.

As you may imagine, I am throwing a lot fo stuff away and giving a lot to charity. There are many things that I'm not tackling right now-too painful- but some things just scream out to be addressed. Clothing that will fit no one else in the family-some brand new with tags, and some really well worn(see; holes and rips in t-shirts) and some things that have hung in the closet for years that Roger insisted on keeping but never wore. He kept the suit we were married in. That got to me when I came across it. I try not to spend too much of the day doing that. It's too hard. A little at a time.

I'm still enjoying my Netflix deliveries. I got the first season of "Damages" with Glenn Close and am enjoying that and looking forward to the second season. Next up is "The Riches" a series on FX that I wasn't able to watch when it was out except for a couple of episodes. I really liked it and have both seasons on order. Also, back to my favorite BBC shows I have "The Forsyte Saga" and, on order but not yet available for a couple of weeks, "Downton Abbey". I should get the second season of "Cranford" since I didn't see that either.

Gotta go shred some turkey and do a bit of cooking. Hope to get the camera thing straightened out later....grrrr

White Out

We buy our birdseed by the 50lb bags and feed a multitude of wonderful little birds all year round. When I got up early this morning the trees were laden with all sorts of little feathery critters waiting patiently for breakfast. Since we hadn't yet began to dig, we made a space on the porch rail outside and threw out some seed. They are so small and darling.

Bob and I went to our good friend's Joe & Geri Sunday for brunch. They only live in the next town over but the ride home was a knuckle-biter. We left at about 5 just as the real wild wind and snow started to come down. The snow thunder and lightning was a surprise. That really woke me up from my drowsing off the all day eating binge at "Open House at the McCabe's". Who expects lightning in a blizzard? I thought the thunder was just a truck rumbling by.

I got a Kindle and a Kindle case as well as a gift card for Amazon. I'm finding my way around it pretty well. The directions are very clear even for someone who is computer challenged. I like the way it feels in hand and the print is so clear and dark. Love it!

I will have to make a couple of purchases in the next few weeks for myself. My dishwasher is on it's last legs and this wireless keyboard that I am writing on has a number of keys that are either stuck or not working real well at all. The x and the c are a problem, making for very funny words at times. Now I really must proof the writing or I sound like I've been in the Christmas punchbowl a little too long.
Speaking of that I did have a lot more wine than usual. That translates to two glasses and a margarita.

Christmas Day dinner at Terry and Jim's was a lot of fun. The food was amazing and of course time spent with my dearest friends is a special event in any case. We are always running and going and never have the time to sit and just talk. Wonderful. It did us a lot of good.

Christmas Eve I made Shrimp Scampi for James and Dani who brought Miss Lucy along for a fun time. I understand that she was, at first, thrilled with snow and soon after...not so much. Those tiny legs are only about 5 inches tops. There is 2 feet of snow out. She has had enough of the wonder of snow already. Frankly, I'm with Lucy.

I finally un-covered my car. Wow am I going to be sore tomorrow. I need a few things from the store like milk and, of course, bagels. Last night I made a pot of bacon, potato, spinach chowder. It was very good. So good that my son even loved it. One of the best things about winter has to be soup. Easily one of the best and easiest meals. Throw a bagel in the toaster and a small salad and your set.

Hoping to find my way to the sewing machine very soon. For the moment I'm stuck in paperwork hell. One of the insurance companies is asking for the original policy and I have turned the house upside down. I have years worth of paid premiums proof but I can't find the original policy...dang.

I've run out of places to look and now am hoping that he may have kept the policies in his desk at work. I will contact our friend Tom later to have a look see what he can find. Hope there is a way around it if it doesn't turn up.

Off to the store. Back soon.

Christmas rush...

I thought I would just update you on things around here since I don't want to worry anyone. Thanks so much for the many messages I have gotten both on the blog and personally.

Even though it will take some major getting used to, I am trying to slap on a happy face and proceed with some Christmas cheer. I'm not one of those people who can sink myself into a miasma and wallow. Roger was not that kind of person either. So a little rundown of these past weeks and what's to come. Deep breath....

I am making Christmas Eve dinner for James & Dani and Bob. We are having Shrimp Scampi, Basmati rice, salad and something undetermined & yet to be bought by Bob at Copenhagen Bakery tomorrow for dessert. Christmas day we are going to my best bud Terry's house for dinner. There was some mention made about margaritas. Fine by me but a nice Cabernet would be good too. The day after Christmas our friends Joe & Geri are having a family open house thing that they do every year. Everyone brings something and the table is usually groaning with delicious stuff to eat and drink. Yes...this is my way of keeping moving. If I can get past these two holidays I will be alright. I feel like the white rabbit in Alice. No time to stop I have to go etc.

My schedule has reverted to pre-marriage time. Years ago, before we married, I used to be a night owl. Staying up to watch movies and such till all hours. Roger's work schedule kept me more grounded. In bed my 10 and up at 5:30. No reason for that anymore. I'm finding the nights a little hard but manageable thanks to Netflix. The movies are arriving and flying back out in the mail in record time. I just finished the last season of The Tudors and am looking forward to some older BBC mini-series stuff I've ordered. I should order a few more things since I think my cue is getting low and there is NOTHING on TV during these two weeks but re-runs. Any suggestions out there?

I've been inundated with paperwork from various life insurance policies and am waiting to hear from social security. The paperwork is daunting and if you miss a day of organizing you need an afternoon to figure out where you are. I have all but a few thank you cards for various things like flowers and fruit baskets etc. done. That can really get to you after a few dozen of those so I've been doing them every other day or so.

I'm hoping to clear the decks of the funeral details and thank you cards so I can get back to having some life without being sad or depressed daily. I do keep running into people in the grocery store who didn't know and last week I had an interesting thing happen at the bank. There was a check for Roger's final pay and he had many weeks of vacation time so that went into the check as well. Being that it was a substantial amount and made out to the Estate of Roger I rightly assumed they would be handling the check differently than any old deposit. They asked me to see the bank manager. Turns out that she lost her husband 6 months ago and she took a lot of time out of her schedule to explain some important things to me regarding things I should and should not do for a number of months + to see that the deposit was verified by her personally through the Lab where Roger worked. She gave me the number of her bereavement group and her personal cell number if I needed to talk to someone about all this. You really meet the most amazing people sometimes.

So here we are at the end of 2010. It's been a hard year and I don't expect it to be always easy in the coming year but I am putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward slowly. Now and then something reminds me of Roger and it's hard not to cry. I'm giving myself permission and not trying to keep from doing that. I guess that's part of the process. My eyes look like I've had surgery. Red and swollen a lot of the time. I need some cucumber slices or tea bags for my bags.

I wish all my dear friends, bloggy and otherwise, a beautiful Christmas and a New Year full of promise. My wish for you all is that you make the most of your time with loved ones. In the end, it really is the one thing you can't buy. Hardly anything else matters as much or is as precious.

I'll be back...

Thank You All so much.

I'm doing alright but missing my best friend a lot. Just the simple act of chatting in the evening. Things you don't think about much while you have them. Relatives have returned home to the pacific northwest after much delay and cancellation of planes due to weather. I am now in the middle of financial paperwork hell although I must say I've had a lot of help from the Lab where Roger worked. They are guiding me through the maze and being a big help. I am grateful.

The last day we had with Roger we all talked about the many things we loved about him and how much we wish he could have talked to us in those last hours. He had a hard time at the end and remained whatt we always called stubborn Irish. Even the Doctors and Nurses remarked on what a tough guy he was. People from various parts of the hospital came and hugged me and told me how honored they were to have known Roger over these months. Nurses who had been with him for months cried at the end. A little later when it was all quiet, James said to me, "I sure wish I could go get Dad a margarita." Roger couldn't drink in the last two years due to meds. He was never a big drinker but he sure missed those margaritas. A couple of hundred people came to the wake. Many of the engineers that Roger had worked with over the years and many friends and family. After the funeral we all went to a local pub and ordered margaritas and toasted Roger. It was a real old fashioned Irish/Italian wake with a Latin twist. He would have loved it.

I want to thank you all for your lovely messages. I was comforted so much by all of them. One of these days I will return to sewing and blogging. I just need some time to get things sorted out and get past all that has happened.

I will love him always. He gave me the gift of a wonderful life. I just need to figure out how to go on without him.

Roger passed away quietly this afternoon at 5:45 in his sleep with all of us surrounding him. Thank you for the blessing of your friendship and your kindness.

Enough...

Can't think of a way to write the words. We are in a hospital nightmare holding pattern. Everything that can go wrong has already and there are no more answers...only patience and prayers. Roger has decided he has had enough and refuses treatment. He has been through hell these last few weeks much of which I haven't spoken about. Last week during dialysis his blood pressure nearly bottomed out and he went into cardiac arrest- they had to shock him to bring him back. He has made it clear he wants no more of that and so the legalities have been put into place so his wishes are followed. His kidney Dr. is a kind man who spoke with him this morning and Roger made it clear that he doesn't want any further treatment.

We are all devastated and in pain but if you could see what has happened to him in these last 2 weeks you would understand why he's had enough.

I thank all of you for your prayers and concern. I'll be back when I can. My heart is broken.

Miss Lucy wishes you good turkey!

Lucy is wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving with all the trimmings...get a load of those ears...sigh

Friday BIL Bob & I went out to the laboratory where Roger has worked for 30+ years and met with several people who are helping me with various financial matters regarding Roger's illness and sick leave. Everyone was so nice it was very heartwarming and sweet. People came out of the woodwork to say how much they missed him and his bosses told me that not only was he missed as a person but his outstanding work over the years in bringing contracts to the Lab was sorely missed as well. Roger has made so many friends in the industry that I get e-mails and messages from near and far. Over the course of the years he has brought many millions of dollars to the Lab and they acknowledged how much his absence meant to the whole staff. They were helpful in directing me on how to proceed with long-term plans for that absence and how it would most benefit us. Roger is on family health leave right now and that will last till Feb. After than he will go on long-term health care leave which would allow him to return to work within a years time or remain on long term until Social Security kicks in in his 60s. Roger is only 55 now so that's a long time during which he will get more than 60 percent of his current pay. I can also ask to have a pay out of his vacation days, of which there are a whole lot +they keep accruing even now while he's out. We have often teased about how the Lab is like a country club. It is very much like a University in both setting and manner. It's a beautiful place. Roger always took a walk on fair weather days and since the Lab is federally protected, there are huge flocks of turkeys and deer. We only saw turkeysthis time but I have seen photos of the hundreds of deer.

I was glad to have Bob along with me and thankful that he took some notes on the info-there was so much of it. All of this made things seem a bit less frightening on the income front.

Last night James & I went to visit Roger in the late evening. He was a little bit alert but he tries to talk and with the tube in his throat you really can't understand much at all. It becomes frustrating for him and you can see on the monitors that he is becomeing agitated. We didn't stay long but I could see he was really happy to see James and even smiled at the conversation about the new grand-pup Miss Lucy.

Tomorrow I will head out to the bakery and get a tray of really excellent cookies from the Copenhagen Bakery for the Nurses and Drs. who got stuck with working Thanksgiving. For the valet guys at the hospital who have been so good to me I will get gift cards for Starbucks. They don't even bother parking my car in a lot now. They just back it up a few feet and leave it in front of the hospital. They are really nice young men.

Bob & I are going to our good friends, Joe & Geri for Thanksgiving. We are looking forward to having a nice dinner. We've got the mashed potatoes, desert & wine. I'll go to the hospital in the morning that day. Thanksgiving won't be the same nor will it be easy but I have to get out and have a few hours of conversation and friends. I hope that you have a delcious Thanksgiving and hugs your loved ones extra hard.

This past weekend the newlyweds got a puppy. Lucy is an adorable 9 week old Corgi. She has fur like a little bear and her ears are bigger than almost anything else on her. Short chubby legs- more body than legs. When she moves the front half starts before the back half gets going. Very funny. After a visit to see Lucy and fall in love, we went to Catfish Annie's for lunch. It was the best day I've had in a long while.

If you're too squeamish don't read on.....

Roger still has an infection that is drug resistant so gloves and a gown are still the norm each day. Yesterday, he was operated on to replace a feeding tube that had begun to leak. A new one put in and while they were in there they drained 8 liters of fluid from his abdomen...8 liters. Sorry if it's too much info but that's the kind of thing we are dealing with daily. This morning he has put out another liter. The surgeon has sent off some of this fluid to a lab to be tested in the hopes that they find something that will explain why this massive swelling keeps happening. I was able to see and talk to Roger this morning. He can say a few things in a raspy voice since the trach tube is in his throat. You have to listen carefully and get as close as possible. Mostly he just sleeps or rests with his eyes closed. He is not interested in even having his glasses on and since he is blind as a bat without them, communication is nearly non-existent. I hold his hand and talk to him for a while and then he waves me away. He has a lot of his Dad in him. It's not easy but I can't stop to think about it or I will lose it altogether. Gotta keep on going. I guess if it were me I'd be pretty grumpy too.

Just checking in to say Hi. I've been getting up so early in the morning but it gives me the chance to sit and visit with bloggy friends. Haven't commented too much but I am stopping by now and then. Talk to you soon.

Thanks Ladies...

I turned on the comments again due to the many e-mails I got from the best people in the world...you.

When I think about writing lately it always seems to be so needy sounding. Comes off sounding like I need a lot of cheese with all that whine. I'm not used to being the one who needs. I've always been the one who is strong. Some of the best relationships I have are with people who have needed a lot of support and comfort recently. I guess this turns out to be the time when my problems are becoming seemingly insurmountable. Anyway, Thanks Ladies for the messages and several eye opening e-mails that slapped me upside the head. Left o my own devices, I am the ostrich with my head firmly planted in the sand. Your thoughtful messages pulled me out.

This morning I went to see Roger and there was a sign on the door that said he has an infection and gloves and a gown must be worn. If that doesn't get your mind going in the morning nothing will. One less way for us to communicate...one more thing to worry about. Now I can't even touch his forehead and hold his hand except through plastic....sigh.

In order not to lose what few brain cells I am managing to hold on to I decided it was time to get out the sewing machine and some fabric. I put it all on the kitchen table yesterday and there it sits. I keep walking past the stuff not doing anything with it. Last night I thought about this for a long time. I think that I am avoiding anything that makes me feel good because I feel guilty having enjoyment. Wrap your head around that one. Before all this stuff started happening, I thought I was a fairly normal woman with reasonable thoughts running through my head. Now I am in a daily state of panic due to the many unknowns we are facing. I thought for sure that by the time I was this age I wouldn't have so much to worry about. In the last 3 months most of the things I used to know the answer to have become questions with no clear answer. Having been through hell once in my earlier life should have prepared me for it happening again. It hasn't and I'm in a position where I may find myself without options I thought I had.

I'm going from this to the sewing machine and do something simple. I'll try not to enjoy it!

little update

I closed the comments for the time being. At this point I feel as though you have all sent me a warm embrace with all your beautiful comments and to ask for more time and time again seems like to much. I feel the good vibes and am thankful for the prayers. Please don't stop the prayers.

For now, I will just keep this as a journal of some of the things that are happening. I'm hoping that it will give you an update and let you know what's up. It will also give me an outlet for some of my emotions.

What's up this week has been in some ways a positive thing. Of course, the way things have been going with Roger, positive is a relative term. Last week was a very bad week. There was too much Atavan building up in Roger's system and for many days he just wouldn't wake up. Since he was still intubated he couldn't talk even if he had been awake but not to have him open his eyes at all was very hard. Fluid was building up in his system and he was, once again, massively swollen. The kidneys weren't working and it became a serious problem. Dialysis was needed and done. Some improvement but not enough. They speak to me in hushed tones and hold my hand like a child. Maybe that's because I feel small and ineffectual and am projecting that most of the time. By weeks end the tubes needed to come out of Roger's throat to ward off infection so on Saturday, they did a tracheostomy. After that he began to come around and his eyes opened now and then. He had grown quite the beard with all the hardware all over his face so they offered to have a woman who does such things for the patients shave Roger. He looks like himself again...well sort of. Each day he was a little more awake and trying to communicate. Unfortunately, some of his communications are not so good. He has two good friends from grade school that wanted to come and see him. Every time I mentioned it he would become very agitated and then his tubes would need clearing and he would be nearly choking. The nurses said that it is often the case with people like Roger that they just don't want people to see them like this. Whatever his reasoning, I must abide with it for now. Getting into a major state of agitation is not helpful to him and perhaps when he is better things will change. He even waved off his Brother Bob and more or less told him to go away. Of course he's not going to do that but it was sad nevertheless.

Today I went in this morning and spent some time with him. A surgeon came in to let me know that they needed my signature for the procedure on Monday. He will have a new line put in for dialysis and another pic line for meds. The prognosis for Roger is not great and it depends on who I speak with to what degree I worry. I'm trying very hard to be patient and keeping in mind that it took a long time to get him well enough for rehab before. When Roger asked me where he was today and I told him, I also mentioned that it was November and a kind of frosty damp Thursday outside, he closed his eyes and a tear fell down his face. August seems so far away.

That's where it stands today. I'm beginning to believe that there is hell right here on earth and we are in it.



In brighter news...

James and Dani are coming home from St. Thomas and their honeymoon today. They sent me a couple of pictures. I'm so glad they could get away and enjoy this time with each other. They hit it lucky with their reservation. When they arrived, they were shown to the wrong room and so they talked to the woman in charge and had a nice conversation about their wedding and all that has gone wrong for the family in these last months. They were put into a suite with a huge balcony overlooking a gorgeous bay. People really can be generous and kind. The Concierge has sent hem to several places where they didn't have to spend too much but got great meals.

I can't begin to tell you how much I have missed them. Living without my best friend is hard enough but without them it seems empty and way too quiet.



Give your loved ones an extra hug. Lately all I can think of is all of the things that I didn't do and say when I had the chance. I'm trying to remember that last good day and I can't. Did I kiss him goodbye or did we just wave at each other like sometimes...can't remember. I can remember that he had a few days off and we did some of the things we liked to do together

Faith & a diversion

It's really hard to keep going in the face of what's happening but go I must. If not I will find myself in the fetal position sucking my thumb and waiting for the earth to stop spinning.

There are no good things to report regarding Roger. He is being kept comfortable and I visit him most mornings early. It's the best time to find a parking space and not fight traffic and it seems to be a great time to find a nurse and even some Drs. to talk with. They really are doing all they can and I can't spend each day crying so I must keep moving. I'm trying not to let fear immobilize me. It's a battle I win some days and some days it's bigger then me.

Again, thanks to all of you for your prayers. Roger needs them now. I've often heard more religious people refer to the phrase, "Give it up to God" That's where we are now. This morning I was looking in a desk where Roger kept his rosary from many years ago. There was a prayer book and some other things and now I can't find them. I'll keep looking. I don't know why but I feel I must find them. Sounds irrational coming from me but I have discovered a vein of faith I never knew I had and it seems like there are forces challenging all that I have come to be at peace with. I feel that I must find these things like something inside me is making me frantic to discover where they are. Crazy emotions.....

Anyway....

For a small, and colorful quilty diversion I would point you in the direction of Amy's blog for the bi-annual Quilt Festival. Doesn't cost a thing to see hundreds of beautiful quilts on as many blogs. I entered twice before and can tell you it was fun getting sweet comments from people I never heard from before. Don't have anything to show for myself this time around but I can recommend the Festival for a great pastime. Hope you get a a chance to stop by and see the amazing amount of quilts. Scroll down a little it's a BIG deal.

Talk to you soon.